Day 1 of change............

A change in the way I see myself and what I am. I am someone who wants to give everything to those I care about. I get excited, overwhelmed and empowered when someone seeks out friendship from me, and allows me to give all that I am. I feel on top of the world, like I can do anything when those friendships move out of their little boxes that they start in and enter different parts of my life...... when it looks like people are more than just a net friend, a school friend, a work friend, a friend of a friend. I take on the different parts that they offer.....I am allowed to care. I adore it when they ring, call in, email, invite...... inevitably though I get too used to it, it becomes too important, they begin to pull away and suddenly it is me doing all the ringing, calling, emailing and dropping in.... suddenly it is back in the little box. That is devastating..... something that I thought was growing magically has popped. I don't want to let go completely, they mean much too much to me but I can't keep putting energy out there, trying to keep something going that seems so intent on burning out. I question myself completely when that happens, always wondering what I did that was so wrong that I couldn't give the friendship and support that they need or want... what do I need to do differently next time, because there will be a next time, there always is. The only thing I can do differently is not care at all, not get involved at all..... I am not sure I want that, that is not who I am, but I know I can't keep in the cycle it breaks me every time.

If I can't get friendship right then there is no way I will ever get love right. I am sorry to my friends that I can't be the friend you need, that is painful to realise. I hope that you know that I care, that I will always care....