I am so very

very pissed off with myself. I have battled this same old rubbish, over and over again for over 20 years and yet again it has won. It is exactly the same battle, just the faces on the field are different.... but it is the same and the reality is that no one can help when you are battling yourself. It's winning again. Last time it did, everyone thought things were great.... you look fabulous, you have lost so very much weight...... a diet of nothing but cigarettes and alcohol will do that to you. I should've known it was on its way, I should've looked for those patterns again.... the comfort eating started, it always happens right before.

I am annoyed that I haven't been able to hide it this time, normally no one knows, I go through the daily motion and can get through it carrying my shield before me.... fortunately my bad sleeping patterns are common knowledge and "tiredness" always works for that extra insulation if it is needed...... the irony is that the bad sleep patterns usually mean that everything is ok.... when it hits I sleep all the time, I go to bed earlier and earlier each night because I want the days over, I get up later and later because I can't face the thought of going through another one. The other pay off is that I like work more..... at least that is something to do, some sense of normalcy... something that will take my head away from me for a bit.

It looks like here is it....... I am not going back to the other site, not yet and I can't find another that works so here my rambles shall lie.