Was told something

this morning that really was a massive blow...... was told I was taking my friendships for granted and slapping people who cared across the face. The thing that cuts is that it came from someone who I have felt was drifting away for months. Someone who was emailing me multiple times a day.... sharing their world with me, allowing me to feel comfortable sharing mine.... then it suddenly became rare.

This is what I don't get...... this is what happens. This is my continual struggle with lonliness. People actively seek me out, and then suddenly seem to get bored of it..... I get tired of trying to maintain it, of being the one to call or message and only have them returned when it suits them, when it seems that they have nothing better to do, or no one better to chat with. So in all that I have to stop, I can't keep putting out things that aren't wanted, accepted or returned..... then I am the one who has pulled back from friendships.

Then of course, insane guilt sets in, guilt that I feel hurt, guilt that I am not being a better friend to them, guilt because I shouldn't expect things from them, guilt for not making an effort, guilt for wanting somethings to simply stay the same, guilt for wanting the laughs back.

I am an everyday person, it is as important to me that my friends share their everyday with me, allowing me to be part of their lives, and wanting to share mine. It is the bonds that are built over the everyday that allow you to take great joy in their special days, and share their sorrow during the sad ones.

I am really and truly begining to think that I have such a warped sense about all of this......