I have come full circle, I am right back where I was 2 years ago...... in the place that lead me to the other site that I have been using. Then I found it and felt at home...... so much fun and laughter, and the feeling that there were folks out there who simply understood. I don't find it fun anymore...... though that isn't the reason I signed up, it was just an unexpected side effect, but one that I hadn't realised just how much it was missing from my life.... I notice it now that it has gone again.
I am someone who thrives and takes the greatest pleasure out of the smallest things. I have a problem with words though..... I have often been disappointed by them, right from being very little. I no longer trust them unless they are backed up with thoughts or actions. I say what I mean, and I am willing to back that up. I find it very difficult when I find contradictions between what people say to me and how they interact with me....... That's where most of my head space torment comes from.
I get frustrated when friends tell me that I need to be more open...... but when I do it is ignored or misunderstood. The biggest misunderstandings really do when two terms get mentioned..... love and loneliness. There seems to be an automatic assumption that it is the be all, end all, romantic love that is wanted on my part (and yes it is) .....BUT........ I am talking about the whole spectrum..... right from family, through friendship, to partners...... I can't get any of them right. Family is one that I am stuck with, it frustrates the hell out of me but so be it, but if I can't get friendships to be balanced (on whatever plane or level they are) then I am not ready to even contemplate the much more complex life partner type love....... I have always known this...... yet that is the level of love that is automatically assumed to be the topic of discussion. My friendships have been very much at the instigation of others.... they seem to jump to get to know me, it is always like a breath of fresh air.... and suddenly, without warning it tapers off, and I am left sitting there wondering what the hell I did wrong.
Lonliness is a curse.......and it is so very much more that simply having no one to hang out with on a Saturday night...... it is knowing that such as now, on yet another sleepless night, there is no one that you are comfortable enough turning to. That when something goes wrong there is no one you would ring. That there is no one to help..... and boy do I feel so completely selfish for saying that, but the truth is no one can do it on their own, no matter how hard they try.
1 comment:
No one is ever alone with this stuff, we all carry it and suffer from it to greater or lesser degree's. that is the human condition.
But the irony is that we are often too alone in our own worries and fears that we forget how to reach out to others and help them through their problems. This is the root of our isolation.
I am very very sad my friend that you believe there is no one to turn to. That is never the case, but if you believe it then your friends have not done their jobs right.
We are here, we are here, we are here.
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