I think that

the loss of the long entry about my feelings regarding my grandmother was a good omen.... I was awake all night with swarms of feelings about Mum and our relationship, or in my eyes lack of.... All that fear and rejection that was instilled into me as a child is still there, the difference is that even though their attitudes and feelings towards me will be what they will, and no matter how much I wish, hope or dream it won't change, now added to the mix is my own rejection of myself and that is unforgivable.

So I simply vow not to reject myself any longer. I doubt that past hurts will go away, I shall only look to them for the positive memories and associations they bring to my life. For the positive things they added to who I am.